Observations from the end of 'The Bachelor' someone who has never seen 'The Bachelor'

Tonight was the end of the ABC reality show The Bachelor, and as the editor of the culture of this website, I thought it was important that someone wrote about the end of The Bachelor. So I'm stepping up.

The only problem? I've never seen The Bachelor. Well, that's not exactly true. I've seen five minutes here or there. I am aware of the basic premise of the series. I've never seen an entire episode, however, and I have not seen a single minute of this season. I will not let that stop me. Here is my blog's live season finale of The Bachelor. Spoilers abound.

We open with BA, whose name is Ben. Apparently, he said he liked both of the two finalists in a previous episode. This has never been done before in the program, highlighted several times. My girlfriend, who is my guide tonight help me make sense of things, tells me that this is "huge".

Ben looks like a cup in the microwave vanilla pudding.

Chris Harrison, who is the host of The Bachelor, tells us that this is the most dramatic finish ever. People in the audience laugh, which seems a very self-conscious for a show like this time.

Will JoJo? Will Lauren B.? Asks Chris Harrison. I ask: This poor girl has to be known by Lauren B.? I have not heard someone known as "Lauren B." from my social studies class seventh grade.

Also: Pastor Ben is here! Apparently we shotgun wedding with this thing. I can not imagine Ben pastor had this covered in the seminar, but I'm glad to see this guy is ready to go with the flow. Get exposure, Pastor Ben.

Well now cut to Ben and JoJo and Lauren B. are in Jamaica. Sandals. Very good plug sandals. He made four K-Ci and Jojo and jokes and my girlfriend has stopped even pretending to smile.

B. Lauren is on the balcony and overlooks nothing. Dramatic music plays. Then JoJo comes out and is on the beach and looks at nothing. The two are in jean shorts. I'm not sure if short jean pants are required or if that's a coincidence. I ask my girlfriend if short jean pants are required or if that is a coincidence and the TV volume is varied and says nothing.

"I always said that fairy tales are real, and this is the first time I've lived that," says JoJo. JoJo, girl, you're 24 years old. You're still on cell phone plan from their parents. Very few people have lived a fairy tale at this point in their lives.


Ben looks like the type of person being perpetually asked to spell a word I had never heard before.

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